my grandson and I…
The priest gave me the book and this message – God said you are special to Him.
I was special to God. Wow. I felt like I was garbage and did not deserve to be wanted by such a loving God. But, God wanted me. God saw value in me when I could not. He loved me when I would not love myself. In that moment my heart surrendered.
I believed that saying yes to God would ease things, but things became more difficult. The more I loved and surrendered to God the more that love changed me. My volatile disposition, desire to smoke, get high and fight, had become a thing of my past. I was not only living with God, I was living for God.
Then my husband decided that my life with a God he did not want was more important than my life with him so he left me and moved in with his girlfriend across the street. I felt betrayed, embarrassed and broken. I almost fell apart the first time I saw her sitting on his lap; or his underwear, pants and shirts on her clothesline. I could hear them from my bedroom window, laughing and living while I seemed to be dying.
The walk home from the bus stop was a constant race to make it to my door before the tears rolled down my face. His betrayal and my pain were center stage for the world to see. My kids would watch them from our living room window wondering why daddy was across the street with her and not home with us. All I could do was muster up enough strength to keep moving.
There were times when he would come home on Friday with all of his clothes, we thought it was over but by Sunday he would be back with her again and I would have to pack up his belongings and get my dear friend to take them to him across the street. I was the wife who became the other woman.
I could not breathe. The pain was almost unbearable. I felt like I was back in the hole but there was something different this time. The 7 months I lived across the street from my husband and his girlfriend, my relationship with God was strengthened. This should have destroyed me but it did not and in that moment I knew that God was sustaining me. All of those hard times, bad choices, destructive decisions and painful moments, when I could not breathe, God was breathing for me, preparing me for Greater.
Today I face a diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis. I wake up every morning not knowing what to expect. Not knowing if I will be able to walk, see, understand words or remember my name. The pain and pressure in my head is constant and there are times it’s so severe I cannot sleep, think or move. At times it causes me to move in slow motion and I have to concentrate just to walk.
The thought of not being able to take care of myself scares me. Sometimes I have to rely on others and that is difficult for me because I am used to being the one who is always taking care of everyone else. I thank God for the support that I have around me. I don’t know what handling all of this would be like without them.
my twin and I celebrating…
My children try to be strong in dealing with this; still at times the uncertainty and fear uncovered in their eyes when they look at me tells the true story of their struggle and I feel helpless as I try to hold it all together.
The treatment for this incurable disease is medicine administered through a needle. I hate taking the shots. I have to depend on other people to give me the shots and sometimes they have forgotten about shot night; forgotten about me. I would stare at the needle for hours building myself up and with tears I would do it. God said He is going to heal me but not before I go through. I have no clue what going through consist of. Sometimes I feel so alone. I cry out to God but the response is always the same – Have you considered my servant.
Sitting here typing these words I can no longer hold back the tears. I know that God used and is using all of my experiences as a chisel in His intentional design of me. I am even more excited about God’s plan for the Greater me.
My name is Yvonne and I have been called to impact the Church. I have been chosen to strengthen God’s leaders and turn the heart of the Church back to God. I am the mouthpiece of God. His breath flows through me and His word flows from my lips. The strength and perseverance that you see is my Yes to His design and purpose for me. My surrender is in my YES. My Greater is in my YES. My triumph is in my YES. My overcoming is in my Yes.