A Heart of Worship….

deny yourself….

My first blog 🙂

Four months ago I went on a Minister’s Retreat with my church, Blessed Harvest Institute, to the Blue Ridge Mountains. The name of the retreat was the Ridgecrest Conference Center. It was nestled in the mountains and exuded serenity. We arrived at about 10pm or so on a Thursday night and then had our first session at 2am on  Friday morning. At the first session we were each asked what has our Ministry cost us so far.

My answer was ‘nothing’. I didn’t feel as if I had lost or really given up anything for Ministry at that point. We took part in some more sessions and activities. At the end of that Friday night, right before we went to dinner, we were each offered a stack of turned down words and asked to pull one. I pulled the word DEATH.

I wasn’t alarmed about my word because I am a homicide detective and I deal with death on a consistent basis. I actually thought my word would pertain to something about work. However, we were told not to assume we knew what the word meant and to be open. As we sat at dinner, God whispered in my ear that the word DEATH did not pertain to my job, it was about me.

Huh? He said I needed to die to me. Self had to die now! He couldn’t use me the way He wanted to because of me. I didn’t realize that I had become my own stumbling block. I had become complacent and didn’t realize it. Selfishness had crept in disguised as me. Me wanting Ministry to be comfortable, me not wanting to be rejected, me not wanting to be inconvenienced, me not trusting Him, me concerned about what others thought, me wanting my desires met; me me me. DEATH to me!

I was horrified. I was so sorry. My heart hurt because God has been beyond good to me. There is nothing that I need that He doesn’t give me. But I knew that I wasn’t giving God a 100% of what He wanted from me. I couldn’t hold back the tears at dinner. I had to let God have His way with my life! There was no other choice.

I prayed for God to continue to walk with me and speak to me. I asked Him to continue to love on me and commune with me. But my main prayer and desire was for God to cleanse my heart, renew my mind and to let the Holy Spirit sustain me in Him. Nothing else mattered!

I was always called Jackie. And as far as I could remember, I never really gave 100% at most things since I catch on quickly and didn’t need to give 100% for it to look good. At our circle time session, my pastor’s wife said that Jackie has died. Indeed. That day Jackie died and Jacqueline came alive. When God takes the time to inform us personally of our shortcomings, we have to take heed. I now strive to give 100% at all times.

I feel hyper in my spirit most times and so excited about the Word of God and the things of God. It is spiritual energy, and I pray that it will continue to fuel me right into my Purpose for God. But it is a constant surrender to God and many days when I want to go one way, He will say “That’s Jackie behavior”, and it reminds me of the DEATH.

What has ministry cost you? What is ministry costing you? Are you allowing God to use you like He wants to, or are you bargaining with Him as if you are at a flea market. Just like me, God wants to use you in a unique way on a path that He has already chartered just for you. Every experience, whether negative or positive, has stamped you in a particular way that He planned all along. Will you surrender your independence and your rights and give Him the right of way? Will you move to the back seat and allow Him to drive your life? He wants you to.

Be Blessed

JC